Two years ago

Two years ago this week I lost a baby. It was my third to have lost. It was just as awful as the others. We learned after the first not to announce anything right away, so we waited until my blood work had come in. It looked perfect. So we told everyone we knew. Even a stranger at McDonalds. You see, we had been trying for three years, and it had finally happened. We were so excited. Grace was thrilled, and Nathan was oblivious as always. Then when I was about 6-8 weeks along I started bleeding, and my heart just fell through the floor. I had been there before. Ian came home and we drove over to the Drs. The ultrasound showed a sac but no baby. I was very thankful for that. To see a baby with no heartbeat would have been worse. The dr said not to lose hope, it could still be okay, and he sent us home to wait out the weekend and have more bloodwork done on Monday. So we did. It didnt get better. They (whoever "they" are) say moms just know. I did know. It was over. Nothing I could do could change what had happened. I told Ian we needed to tell Grace, so she would have the weekend to deal with it. She was worried she would have to tell her class what had happened. I told her I would email her teacher. We went back for more bloodwork and it showed that I was right, it was gone, I just had to wait for my body to expel (I hate that word) the tissue (baby). Then I went to work Tuesday and noticed that out of nowhere I would get really tired, like almost fall asleep standing up. I tried to take my blood pressure at my moms, but it was so low it wouldn't even register, then I stopped for gas on the way home and it was like all of a sudden a flood began (sorry) I rushed home and called the dr, and he said to come right over, but not to drive myself in case my blood pressure dropped anymore. Ian came home and we went over and met my mom at the hos so she could keep the kids. He said I had a few options. 1 go home and deliver on my own, 2 a d&c which is a surgical procedure that meant we could not try for 3 months, or 3 an in house procedure where they took a large (12-18) in 1-2 inch wide syringe and tried to get it out themselves. They warned me that it hurt and I couldn't take anything. Ian left it up to me, and I wanted it to be over. I didnt want to go home and scare the kids by having this drag out. I also didnt want to have to flush my baby down the toilet. So, I was laying on the table holding my hands over my chest when the very nice nurse looked at Ian and said, Hold her hand! Like she was scolding him. I almost laughed out loud. It did hurt, but it was over. I got on meds to slow the bleeding and we were sent home again. To start trying again.

3 months later we found out I was pregnant again. We told no one until I was showing and people started guessing. I went in for my first ultrasound and the office didnt have it on the schedule. I was getting ready to freak out. There was no way I could wait any longer to see it. The nurse that was with us during the procedure saw us, and immediatly took care of it, we went back, and my dr actually was able to do the ultrasound. He was wonderful. I freaked out a little because I couldn't see the heartbeat right away, so he zeroed in on it, measure everything, and said that nothing could be better. 7 months later 9lb 12 oz Jonah was born.

After it happened I thought a lot about why. Questions that I though only God had the answers to. Then a few weeks later a friend came to me and told me his daughter (also a friend) had lost a baby over the weekend. He said that no one knew, but He wanted to tell me because he thought no one could love her like I could right then. And then I knew. Ian and I had to go through it to show others that you can get through it. that it doesn't have to destroy you. That it changes you forever, but you are a better person for it. That God sweeps you up into his arms and doesn't let go. That your faith in HIm, in the idea that God does all things for your good is true. That girl was not the first. Several of our close friends went through this not long after we did. And we were able to be there for them. And I can honestly say although it sounds stupid. That I would rather go through it again then have someone I lover have to go through it once. I know it sounds crazy, but I know there is a light at the end, and you can make it through.

Well, this was a lot longer than I thought it would be, and thankfully for you, I did do a little editing, but there you have it. And in case you are wondering, I am fine. It is weird. Even though this is the week, it's the few weeks before that bother me, just the thought that it is coming. Then it gets here, and it's not so bad.

p.s. there are a few songs that are really great dealing with this. Glory Baby By Watermark, and one you all know, You Never Let Go. By Matt Redmon. He and his wife write it after their 3rd miscarriage. both great songs