News

I hesitate even to blog about this because Ian and I are really trying to keep it quiet. But I know all of the readers on here are people who care about us, and if they found out later would probably be upset we hadn't told them. Most of you know the fertility issues we have had. We got pregnant very quickly with Grace but ever since we have had problems. Takes us years to get pregnant. We have also experienced loss. I lost a baby 6 years ago this week. then my son Nathan had a twin that never developed. We also lost another one 3 years ago this November, before I had Jonah. And here we are again. I lost a baby last week. I am really trying to look to the good instead of drowning in the bad. I'm thankful the kids didn't know. I'm thankful my sister came and stayed with us when Ian had to leave town the next day. I'm thankful I've never had a stillborn. My babies have always been to small to see. I'm thankful this was uncomplicated. The second one was extremely difficult as I had never realized there was a delivery involved. This was by far the easiest to deal with. I'm thankful my blood work came back bad before I started bleeding so it wasn't a complete surprise. I'm thankful Ian called in immediately and stayed with me. I'm thankful for how discreet the people who know have been (including you all I hope). I'm thankful the worst day was the first and it didnt last a week like the last time. I'm thankful for God who I know is in control and I'm trusting someday I will see why we had to endure this over and over. I'm am really trying to consider it pure joy that we are facing this, hoping it's because we are doing what God wants us to do and Satan is hating it. In the past I have also been able to get pregnant fairly quickly after a loss and hoping that that continues. I really dont want my last memory of pregnancy to be a loss, but of a baby in my arms.

That's all I really wanted to write, Please keep this to yourselves we are really not wanting a repeat of last time. Ian has been really good about me telling who I want, but PLEASE be careful. Gossip is not something I want to happen because I wrote this. Just prayers for us. We are doing very well. Like I said, it was by far the easiest, and I have to be honest, I knew what to expect, so we had no surprises.

venting

I just got almost the maddest I have ever been. I was dropping nathan off at school when a little girl threw up in the foyer. there were probably 20 people (all parents) dropping there kids off and

NO ONE helped her!

They all just stood and stared as this young girl probably 6 was crying not knowing what to do. Well, I stood there for a second, I couldnt just leave Jonah alone, but someone had to do something, so I told Nathan to watch jonah and I ran past all the other parents, told the girl to hold on a minute I would get help, and went into the office and told the secretary what had happened. Did she run out to help that poor girl? NO! She said, oh yep, then I guess called the janitor and stayed in the office. I went back to catch Jonah running away, turned around and the girl was still standing there in tears!

ONE other mom opened the office door and told her to go to the Nurses office, Thats not my school so I didnt know where it was. As that mom sent her to the office, I moved a wet floor sign to the area so people wouldnt step in it. I walked back over to Nathan and all the parents (who had been watching from what I guess they thought was a safe distance) All turned back at the same time. Then another mom asked another one what had happened and upon hearing went "eww!" and took and exaggerated step back.

For crying out loud! It was a little girl! One who needed help when her mom wasnt there. I know noone wants the stomach flu, but you still have to be a nice human being! I was so mad. At the parents and the secretary. I hope me rushing around stirred up the germs and gives all of them a nice case of the pukes.

The start to my weekend

So, this weekend is my 30th birthday (I am old). But that is not what I'm thinking about right now. Tomorrow morning I head out bright and early to the OBGYN (happy birthday to me) I am not anxious exactly, but contemplative I guess. If you know me at all, you can probably guess that my obgyn and I have a long and frustrating history. But I love him, and wouldn't go to anyone else unless forced. He is great, and is just nice. In a world of delegation, he is personal, he asks about my kids by name, and when things were at their worst, he called me personally to see how I was. Not many Drs would do that.

Here is my issue. I had a son 16 months ago, and never went on any type of birth control. And well, obviously I'm not pregnant yet. Before Jonah we had begun to go thru infertility testing and the next step was Clomid. Personally, Ian and I wouldn't go any further than that. But in the last 16 months, I dont think I have been ovulating. Usually I hurt and have other signs that I am, btu no more. My cycle had shrunk to about 20 days and lasted about a week and a half (fun). So I was put on meds to stretch it out for three months, and by the end it wasn't even working anymore. I finally settled at a 24 day cycle, and of course this week, I hurt as I do when ovulating. Of course right before I go to the Dr.

So, I'm wondering this. I DO want to be pregnant again. But where do we leave off? How long will he want me to try before doing anything? What will be done since I can get pregnant it just takes years and years? My dr seems to hesitate before doing anything huge (which I know is for the best) But I'm 30 now, I cant wait all that much longer. I guess I will find out tomorrow, I just have to get up the courage to ask all of this.

I found this poem on a blog, and I thought I'd share, I'm not sad about anything now, just thought it reflected my lifer somewhat

"I have been fertile and yet infertile; a mom and yet not a mom. I have children who fill my heart and home and angels who fill my dreams and fuel the misty eyed wondering of what might have been." -unknown

10 in 10

Well, my friend Elise tagged be to blog about where I will be in 10 years. So here ya go!
1-It will be the week before I turn 40, so hopefully I will be taking those last few minutes to make fun of Ian for being 40 when I'm still 39
2-I will have a child a senior in High school, a freshman, and an 11 year old as of now. I would like to add 2-3 more kids in that time. I would like to be pregnant again, but that sometimes doesnt go well for me, so we shall see. I really want to adopt from India, and am looking forward to that journey
3-I hope to still be at Cornerstone, but in a different house, this one will not hold that many more kids
4-I hope I can look back and see the journey to understanding Christ that my kids go through.
5-I want to still be as small as I am now, still pre baby weight, although if we won the lottery, I wouldnt say no to a boob job, and a tummy tuck :)
6-I want to go overseas at least 2-3 times by then (India definitley)
7-I can see Ian still complaining that I'm not a good housekeeper, so again, if we win the lottery I would get a maid in the next 10 years
8- I want to be a volunteer at church, if not work there maybe as a receptionist, but DEFINITELY not as Ians secretary (can you say divorce??)
9-I will own my own library by then, and will lend out books to anyone who needs one
10- I hope I still love Jesus and depend on him more than I do now. I know the getting there may mean hard things, but having already gone through hard things, it pulls you closer to HIM

SO there you have it, 10 things I hope I will be doing in 10 years

Thankfulness

SO here is a small sampling of what I am thankful for at this very minute. My new housecoat LOVE IT! My son Nathan who is wondering if his shoes will still fit now that he's 5. Jonah, for his new trick of running to you with his arms up wanting to be held. Graces front tooth which is hiding behind her big one, and is finally loose, Ian for letting me take a bath after dinner, and changing a poopy diaper (rarely happens) and for then giving nathan a bath when I wasnt feeling well. My birthday coming up, my dishwasher, I went for so long without one, I shall never take it for granted. Getting my haircut tomorrow, the anticipation is great, lots of milk in the fridge. the frozen soup I found yesterday which meant I didnt have to cook. The doughnuts my dad gave the kids that they have been eating for b-fast. CHeck ups for the kids Fri when I will be able to ask about Jonahs possible raspberry allergy, My church, who loves us so much, my family, who make grace feel special by trying to come to all of her bball games. Ian for taking the kids out on a date tomorrow night. My trip to NY this summer. My house which looks pretty good, my laundry for being caught up. God for giving me peace and patience on some things, although my heart is always thinking about it, and is no longer my own. I have so much more to be thankful of, but my sweet son is asking to be blindfolded, so I'm going to be thankful about getting to go play with him!

Summer

So, I an beginning to plan my summer. I know, it's only January, but time gets away from me these days. We are joining Mascoutah Pool this year (yay) so we will be there a lot, but I also want the kids to get out. So in addition to the free summer movie series, I have decided we need to go on 1 field trip a week. Dont flip out , I am in no way transitioning to homeschooling, but the kids will drive me nuts in the house all day. So here is my list. Trying for free, but that can't always happen.
Pool- my kids need to learn to swim
Library- we have a great summer reading program
Soulard Market- I've not been there as an adult, but I remember it being fun, and a good experience
Zoo- We are Zoo friends, and always have a great time, planning on spending the night again
Botanical Gardens- Just for an adventure. the kids have never been there
Science Center- Grace will LOVE it!
City Museum-Pricey, but maybe they have a coupon day :)
Magic House- Again, going for the coupons. And this is iffy as the kids have been there a lot.
Arch/Museum-this one is for me. I have been wanting to go there for ages, I am an american west history freak and love this museum, but haven't been since like 3rd grade.
So, here are my thoughts o blog followers. I need people to go with! I can go along, but it's always more fun with friends. So, if any of this interests you, let me know! library, market, zoo, science center are all free. I'm always up for a picnic lunch and fun, I'll even just meet you at a park. If not, I'll just blog about how fun it all was, and make you jealous :)

One thing I love about Cornerstone

I am a pastors wife. In that one sentence lies several layers of feelings and issues. What do I know? What am I supposed to know? What can other people know that I know? That however is not the focus of this blog today. Cornerstone is much different than our other church, a small church in a small town where we lived in a fishbowl. And so here it is, my biggest pet peeve as a pastors wife, and also the thing I love most about where we are now. It really makes me mad when people get upset or mad, or unhappy with Ian or the church leadership as a whole, and suddenly that translates to being mad at me. It happens. A lot. But not here at Cornerstone. People here seem to have the uncanny ability to separate us. And I like it. Does the staff make decisions based on what is best for the church as a whole and not individuals? They have to. Does that make some people unhappy? Of course. But the wonderful people here dont take it out on me. And that makes me so happy. I love it here. My friends are my friends based on our relationship, not on their issues with the church. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT!!!!